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Nine or ten hours after Holden was born, a doctor came into my room and told me that he had to take Holden to the NICU because he wasn’t breathing properly. I told the doctor that he could do no such thing. And the doctor looked at me and said, I have to take him. When he lifted my baby out of my arms I cried and cried. The doctor seemed somewhat surprised. The nurse with him told me that she would be back at 8a to take my catheter out and walk me to the NICU.

I watched the clock for eight hours, like a tiger ready to pounce.

The nurse showed up after 9a. She remarked on the amount of pee. I almost tore her head off. She got me out of bed and walked me, maybe 10 feet to the bathroom. And then she chirped merrily, “Well there you go – you can make it to the bathroom! That is far enough for now!”  And with that, she basically shoved me back into bed.

I remember thinking: who the fuck decides to do this shit more than once? What is the point of loving someone so much, so stupidly, within just a few short hours of knowing them that you would be totally willing to put up with the most humiliating bullshit?

Well, I guess I forgot about all that, because guess what? We are having another one! I am 4 months. I’m feeling good after the first horrific three months.

Thoughts on a second pregnancy

1. People tell you after your first, when you get pregnant your body is used to being all stretched out. And when people tell you that, you secretly hope that it won’t apply to you because it sounds not so pleasant. But it is true. In the last two weeks I went from sandwich bloat to full-on belly button popping belly. I think I wore my jeans into my 6th month last time. This week I had to say goodbye to my pants. Last time around, this seemed sort of wonderful and miraculous. This time around, not so much.

2. Now that people know that I am growing a human, they usually ask, “How are you feeling?” And usually because my mind is on fifty different things, I don’t catch their drift and just say, “Oh fine, how are you?’ Sometimes people ask me how the baby is and I have to think for a moment about what baby they are talking about. “Oh, this baby? I eat, it grows itself. No laundry. Amazing.”

3. I am super excited to get some nice baby clothes and think about names. Holden wants to buy some toys for the baby. He has a few picked out already at the local toy store, and that is going to be the best ever. I am buying a crib this time around, and I am happy about that. And then I remember the other shit I need, like a change table. Gross! I can wipe the baby’s poopy ass on that change table and one day that same baby will fall off the change table and I will get to spend time in the emergency ward. Some baby stuff: incredible. Other baby stuff: complete crap. Now that I have had one baby, I know that my child will fall off some incredibly high surface he/she is perched upon. I also know there will be baby shit on the walls. These are facts. Facts, I thought my incredible mothering skills would prevent me from ever experiencing with my first child. I feel at once dismayed at my nonchalance, and also comforted in knowing that I am part of a large group of shitty fucking mothers who let their babies fall from high places.

All this to say, I feel really lucky that I get to have another baby. it is a crazy big honour being someone’s mom. I hope I am up to the challenge. I have a feeling this baby is going to be an incredible person.

On another note: Holden got a camera for Christmas from his Auntie Kim. We uploaded the pictures the other day to our computer. So great.

A lot of the photos of people are at this level.

Sigh, jeans….

He sets up weird photo shoots with his toy reptiles:

He took this awesome shot of me, and he added the emoji. Love!

Once in a while, he takes a really arty shot of something at crotch level:

Holden took this shot of us in Miami. Ashtanga Celebrity time! We are practicing in Kino Macgregor and Tim Feldmann’s backyard. I am on Kino’s mat. And I am practicing next to David Robson. And in that photo I am almost three months pregnant with his child. Ashtanga Celebrity!! Preschooler paparazzi!

18 comments

Essie

March 22nd, 2014

I love everything about this post. You are such an awesome mummy. See photo 3 if you are ever in doubt.

Becky

March 22nd, 2014

I love this blog.

stan

March 22nd, 2014

Essie – That is my favourite photo of myself ever! xoxo

stan

March 22nd, 2014

Why thank you Becky!

Kathryn

March 24th, 2014

Congrats on your growing belly Stan! You look fantastic and this baby is one lucky soul. oxo

March 24th, 2014

Congratulations on #2! As a mother of two, I know we can be our worst critics.I also know you’re gonna rock at being a mother of two. Because you care.

Zalak

March 25th, 2014

Hello Stan!!

Congratulations!! This is great news.. I stay in India and am 6 months pregnant. Your blog is such an inspiration to me.. It has helped me be intuitive about my practice and understand what is right and not in my condition..

stan

March 25th, 2014

Kathryn – thank you! The baby is one lucky soul to have a big extended family of yogis at the studio to rock and hold and hug and squish him/her.

stan

March 25th, 2014

Juls – thanks so much! Someone sent me a link recently with moms talking about how they could be better parents, and then their kids were asked to talk about their moms and they said the sweetest things. It made me cry – but then I am pregnant and prone to crying. Must find that video again and post. it was a nice reminder about how we are so hard on ourselves, but our children are more forgiving then we think.

stan

March 25th, 2014

Hello Zalak! Congratulations! What lovely news. I hope your pregnancy is going well. Please feel free to leave any questions! Thanks for reading!
xo

Rhonda

March 25th, 2014

Congrats that is wonderful news. Being a Mom is a blessing and the best job in the world. I wish you, David and Holden all the best.

nadia

March 25th, 2014

Hi Stan,

congratulations first and foremost on your pregnancy! I am excited to read about your experience on ashtanga and pregnancy and subsequently motherhood the second time around – I love how all second, third time mothers get so rockingly blase about the whole thing – it gives me comfort.

I am currently 6 months along with my first and slowly easing into the idea of it all. I miss my ‘complete’ practice too much sometimes, but I have learned to let go. The nest thing I am getting from this pregnancy is to learn (HARD) to accept things as they come. I had some expectations being pregnant as a fit ashtangi and a clean eater – none of them are making any appearances in my life right now (I am a slob and a sugar fiend!). I am taking that cue to be as relaxed as I can about labor and childbirth, shun all the expectations out of the window and enjoy the ride!

Well, enjoy the ride and keep writing Stan :)

Lydia

March 26th, 2014

Congratulations!!! Future mini Ashtangis…you’ll be practicing 8th series. I had a second son after I thought I was done having children with my eldest girl. But I guess my son chose our family to be born into this lifetime. They bicker constantly but to witness the unfolding sibling love is so amazing! It’s like reading the greatest love story. Can’t wait to read your blog. Have you checked out Jessica Walden’s video: 25 Laws of Self-Practice (for yogis with children and/or critters)?

March 26th, 2014

So excited for you guys! And love the photos!! So nice that you and David can practice together. And look at you – you are famous, too! 😉 xoxo

stan

March 27th, 2014

Rhonda – Thank you so much for your good wishes! Lots of love!

stan

March 27th, 2014

HI Lydia – I love the idea of the “greatest love story”. A father told me recently that his boys ages 4 and 8 love each other so much that they got bunk beds, and the boys stopped using the top bunk and sleep together in the bottom. Cute. I have not seen Jessica Walden’s video – just the funny one where she is practicing and the critter and boys keep running into the frame. She is extremely fabulous, I will definitely check it out!

stan

March 27th, 2014

Haley – O – Well, not quite famous. Really only to my three year old. Thanks for your energy and support, Haley!! xoxo

stan

March 27th, 2014

HI Nadia – Wow! Great news – you are making a human! it is a bit tough first time around. I remember being quite dismayed at what I could and couldn’t do. This time around, I feel a bit less attached to my practice going, and just happy that I can go in everyday and practice. But I am feeling quite distressed at how much bigger I am this time around – I won’t lie. I would like to be all earth mother-y about it, but I already thinking about the clothes I want to wear when the baby comes out. Anyway, let me know if you have any questions – I am sure that you will be awesome though.
xoxo

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